I just sent the kids off to school for their first day of he new school year. Another first without Krista. As they say, the first year is about firsts. The first day without her was September, 18 2014. The firsts were endless, every day was a first of something. There were the big ones; her birthday, all the holidays, every event with the kids, and most recently our wedding anniversary. But the little ones sometimes seem as large as the big events… This has been and continues to be so incredibly difficult. It is hard to say this but really, there has not been any day of genuine relief. Of course there have been many blessings along the way, seeing the kids grow and do well at the things they do has been the greatest of joys. Spending time with them has been my saving grace. But through it all the heaviness never seems to let up.
So many times I have thought about writing, but to do so itself, is overwhelming. It is impossible to put words together to truly describe what has happened in the past three years. To describe the emotions, or lack there of at times. To explain on an visceral level what I have seen, and what we have experienced is not all that pleasant and doesn’t make for feel good reading, I am sure. Oh yes, there has been tremendous growth that someday we all hope will have a happy ending. But truly there is no one moment, at least that I can imagine, where life suddenly begins again. There is, I am certain, rebuilding going on all the time. On a spiritual level, I am confident that so much is happening. And that is the only place to truly put my hope, and that is where the beauty lies.
As for now and as it has been, I wait. I get up everyday with the same reality, she is gone. Life has been decimated as we thought we knew it. There is a loneliness that grief like this stares so intimately. I could never have known how truly real it is that no grief is alike. Sure there are emotional similarities and sure there are similar patterns of behavior and experiences. But I am the only one that knows the grief that I know. The same can be said about every single person that has suffered loss. And we have all suffered some losses, since the day we were born. Obviously, however, a loss such as this is the greatest I have known.
When my dog Dakota died I got a taste of dire loss. It hit me in a way that I did not expect but then I realized how much that dog was a part of the family, a part of what makes up life. I have had relationships come and go and with each one of those, there was a sting, each one with followed by some level of pain and suffering. But nothing can really compare to the other. And then there is this one.
All the details aside, this is a story of grief, not of beginnings and ends but of the journey that sees no boundaries. It is a message of things like perseverance, faith and hope. It is about everything that cannot be explained and everything that it means to be human. It is a message of life at its core, how limited we are and learning how to embrace our finite and fallible presence. It is my prayer that I will continue to find freedom in this acceptance.
So today is another day of unknown. Maybe it is one that I can see the change in a positive light, that I can feel a surge of energy like never before. But maybe it is another day of trusting in the hope that all is good. That in God, all is according to plan. The suffering, it will continue, that I know. Yet it is is my hope that today will bring with it a peace that surpasses all my understanding.